older.

i've been on this site for hours, and i couldn't think of anything to write about. so to pass time, i read every blog and site that i bookmarked. still, nothing came.

by default, the last i check is my mail. and since its been a while since i checked it from my laptop (i usually check it from my phone) i know i'll have a mountain of messages that i'll need to re-delete since it doesn't automatically get erased here, or even marked as read. (hope the new OS Lion had fixed this in its mail app)

and so i started the tedious work of going through my mail. out of laziness, i do it by sorting by email add, so anything from, say like, ebay, i can choose all and delete in one simple click.

that's how i came across a bountiful of old messages that i sent through the years.

and i just had to stop, in awe of how far i've come. (literally) and the things i had to go through to get here. im old. no, older. much older.



its very heart warming to read messages from people who loved me, who appreciates me, the real me.

its hard to move when people around you think little or ill of you. sometimes, even when you don't want to, you start to believe them already. you doubt yourself. its so easy to fall victim to what people think and say about you. but when you have another life that counts on you to be strong and to thrive? you kind of don't have that time to feel sorry for yourself.

im not stupid, you don't have to say it blatantly, i can read between the lines. i can hear the sarcasm and malice, even in the sweetest of tones. i guess i'm just calloused enough now that i can let it all pass.

and at the end of the day, when we come face to face with people who try to bring us down, it's who we are that should shine through.

reading well wishes and messages from old friends and family brought me back to where i started. to the core of who i really am. im not perfect, i've only grown older.

old enough to hold what's dear to me. old enough to stand my ground and fight for what i believe in. and old enough to know that i don't NEED to prove anything to anyone. i'll live my life not by what others think will suit me -- i'll make my own rules, and break them as i go.

whether you'll love me, or you won't. because i know i have enough people who do, and as long as i have at least one, then im good to go :)