Dear 18-year-old-self,

i know you gave me a deadline. and now that it has come, i'd like to look back and let you know that while i did not check everything on the list (and sorry i've forgotten most of it) i did try. see...

June is LGBT Pride month!

loving someone of the same sex doesn't make you any less of a person, or a professional, or less deserving to be part of a family. love is love, it's as simple as that. And I for one would like to believe that our God is one and the same, and that He would accept rather than condemn those whose only intent is to love and be loved.

is this really what our world has come down to? we'd rather support wars, glorify indifference and ignorance, and forbid something as beautiful as Love.

idontgetit. (ō.ó)

kaya kapatid, you don't need to ask me if i can accept you, for me, your preference doesn't really change anything. (and it's not like its a big surprise, i've known you all your life, i know) you are my sister and i'd always want nothing but for you to be HAPPY. kaya *APIR* i have your back.

and...to all my very colorful family and friends, i have nothing but love, respect and admiration for all of you. keep being the wonderful people that you are.

LOVE. PEACE. AND ROCK n ROLL ;p

this and that.

- Victory is ours! for now at least, when it comes to SOPA. the bill has been shelved (for now). hopefully no one would try and unearth it again anytime soon. and if they do, well, expect a bigger internet strike.

- my baby girl is flirting. And she's only 2 years old. TWO! oh dear, the next few years should be interesting.

- Bitcasa is up. finally, cloud storage for everyone, at least that's what it says now. Just trying it out. will give a better review once i've used it more. and maybe some invites too. :)

- but Pottermore is still in beta. I can whack my head for every time i remind myself why, for the love of me, i never signed up for beta. i want to be sorteeeed! LOL!

- Suri's queen bee. a very lovable queen bee. check out http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com so know what i mean. :)

- team Peeta! can we skip february? 3.23.12 seems forever!

- book overload. not that i'm complaining. i have a very long "to read" list, so i should start crossing things out anyway. so thanks again to my hubby for the kindle. i still buy paper back and hard bounds, but this makes it easier to cross things out faster and only buy those i want to read again and again. and also, thanks to that person who cleaned up that kindle lib, which i've already downloaded. that 1,403 books to read. oh how i wish i can just read all day. hehehe!

well, that's just want a quick what's in my head post. nothing to change the world or anything. reading my old blog made me realize that i need to put some more effort in my writing if i want it to improve. :)

reposting thoughts on love circa 2007

while skimming through my old blog, trying to figure out the title of a book i read a few years ago, i stumbled upon a post of a 22 year old ciara, trying to understand love and relationships through shoes.

yes, shoes. and feet. quite an unlikely metaphor, i admit.

here's the post, proofread but otherwise unaltered:

SHOES AND LOVE

February 21, 2007

i was walking along ayala this morning, semi-trotting (coz im almost late) with a pair of shoes ive only worn for the 4th time since my mom gave it to me. 

during the first 3x, i'd get blisters by [the] day's end because of the material (and the fact that im yet to learn how to "walk it"). people always say that since its new, blisters are expected. your feet should hurt for the first few times you wear them but eventually the material will soften. 

but has anyone ever thought that it's not really that the material has softened after a few uses. maybe after months of abuse, yes, but for the 4th time? did it ever occur to anyone that it might be because our skin becomes tougher and that the pain becomes tolerable? since you love the shoes you are wearing, you wont notice how much pain it causes. the credit therefore is not to the shoe, but to the foot that is wearing it.

get up, stand up.

there's been a lot of talk about bullying this past few days. 

there's this video, 

which by the way, made me bawl. 

and of course, the recent Extreme Makeover: Home edition episode, which as always, tore my heart apart. ( i mean, come on, every episode i watch i need a box of tissue and closed doors, i tell you, its never pretty)

Being a mom (still can't believe i'm allowed to say this out loud now), bullying really is one of my concerns. i know its a bit too early, it will be some more years before the twins start school. But believe me, when you reach this point in a woman's life, you worry about all sorts of things in such exaggerated levels, and you will promise yourself you will do anything you can to prevent anything from harming your beloved.

Bullying, particularly here, is a very serious problem. And i don't know how much more i can stress this, but how many more children do we need to die or hurt themselves before we realize this? All those deaths would've been prevented if we only had a little bit more compassion towards each other. if we only understood first and judge less.

I myself have been bullied, i think most of us were at one point or another.

...

they say being a mother changes you. then i guess being a mother to twins changes you twice more. 

it's the guilt that kills me, every time. 

see, if i we're in the same position, pre-kids, i won't even have any second thoughts. i'd say go for it. nothing is ever going to be a waste.

but now, it's different. i always, ALWAYS, think first, maybe there is something i can use it for the kids. which you know, can be more rewarding yes. them first, every time. 

so i feel guilty, even if its just the thought of getting something for myself. i feel selfish when i say i need to take care of me too. and i don't know if im taking it too far.

then add all the other things that come to play, like our circumstances, for instance. we need to save if we want to get out of here. and yes, while the load has been much much lighter, the fact still remains. I still feel like a prisoner in my own home. 

but i know i need to be responsible. sacrifices made today can bring back so much opportunities in the future. 

its the control freak in me that wants to play things right, safe even. and honestly its slowly killing me. 

maybe God wants me to learn something. is it patience? is it humility? or is this just really what he had planned for me. if so, why is my spirit fighting it soooo much? shouldn't it feel right??

i don't know. i just feel lost. and crippled. Lord help me. 

Patience...a virtue, or a curse?

Patience is a virtue, so that's what we've all been told.

I've always tried to live by these words. it's not easy, but i try the best that I can.

But lately, i've been starting to wonder, in my case at least, if patience really is a virtue, or has it turned into my curse.

had I been too patient and understanding to the point that I've let people walk all over me? Where has my voice gone? Why can't I say no?

I get it, there will always be people who are in your life just to try how long that line is. that's how one build their character, right? supposed to, at least.

But is it just me, or am I one big "ok try me" magnet?

I feel so alone

💔
Sent from my iPhone

Wardance

Last night, my husband and I stumbled upon this documentary in Netflix. It's about children who live in a refugee camp in Northern Uganda. They were training to compete in their country's National Music and Dance Festival. In the documentary, we met Nancy, Rose and Dominic.

At a very young age, these kids have been through unimaginable things due to the political unrest in the area. The Rebel soldiers have caused havoc in their ancestral homes, killing family members and forcing children, some still very young, to fight with them. This forced those who are still alive to live in the displacement camps, with little to nothing but the clothes on their backs.

Hearing the 3 children tell their story and seeing the pain in their eyes was just heartbreaking. I was all choked up with tears and had this very heavy feeling, as if there was a big boulder on my chest.

How they can still smile and joke around and sing and dance with that much energy and enthusiasm is just beyond words.

(jump for spoilers. )

iSad

I know this time will come, but i never thought it would be this soon and that I'd be this affected by it. (well, ok, maybe i will.)