...

they say being a mother changes you. then i guess being a mother to twins changes you twice more. 

it's the guilt that kills me, every time. 

see, if i we're in the same position, pre-kids, i won't even have any second thoughts. i'd say go for it. nothing is ever going to be a waste.

but now, it's different. i always, ALWAYS, think first, maybe there is something i can use it for the kids. which you know, can be more rewarding yes. them first, every time. 

so i feel guilty, even if its just the thought of getting something for myself. i feel selfish when i say i need to take care of me too. and i don't know if im taking it too far.

then add all the other things that come to play, like our circumstances, for instance. we need to save if we want to get out of here. and yes, while the load has been much much lighter, the fact still remains. I still feel like a prisoner in my own home. 

but i know i need to be responsible. sacrifices made today can bring back so much opportunities in the future. 

its the control freak in me that wants to play things right, safe even. and honestly its slowly killing me. 

maybe God wants me to learn something. is it patience? is it humility? or is this just really what he had planned for me. if so, why is my spirit fighting it soooo much? shouldn't it feel right??

i don't know. i just feel lost. and crippled. Lord help me.